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Klockworks by Joe Klock Sr.

Back in the prattle again. (Randumb brainburps not ready for full-columnal treatment):

Why don't we use more unarmed traffic deputies to ticket minor violations that don't require a full-fledged police officer? They could be paid with a portion of the fines, if and when collected, would reactivate retirees and would render justice to scofflaws.

In a similar vein, licensed and qualified Physician Assistants might/could be a solution to the looming problems of physician shortages, skyrocketing costs and hypochondriacs who game the present system.

Gotta wonder why we limit our presidents to two terms, but allow Sinators and Reprehensibles to remain in office as long as they can fog a mirror, follow a party line, raise campaign money and buss the butts of like-minded supporters.

A word to the wide: Regrettably (and unavoidably), it is impossible for us to lose weight that we didn't first put on. Inconveniently, this includes every unnecessary calorie that we stuff into our mouths without promptly spitting it out.

The difference between charity and political patronage is the same as that between the always-voluntary sharing of wealth and its sometimes-arbitrary redistribution. Only the former is inherently virtuous.

Love and hate are not opposite emotions; the flip side of love is not hate, but indifference. Among the people who can't understand that are those who have not observed their silver wedding anniversary or had several siblings.

Undisciplined genitalia are, ipso facto, the facilitating weapons of mass reproduction.

More power to the peepholes? Without whistleblowers, snitches and tattletales, all of whom are held up for scorn, our system of justice would seem to tilt in favor of the guys in black hats.

Query: What will happen in the land of the free stuff as the Peters who are needed to pay the Pauls peter out and the Pauls grow in both number and demands?

Money will buy you a dog with an impeccable pedigree, but only love will make its tail wag.

A militantly confirmed bachelor once observed that marriage brings music into a man's life, in that he soon learns to play second fiddle at home.

Arachibutyrophobia is a word which designates a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth. Impress your friends by casually working that into your next cocktail party chit-chat! (If that fails to cower them, try hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (fear of long words).

Ode to an unattractive call girl: "She mightn't be too comely, and she may, in fact, be homely. But she's hell-and-gone ahead of a cold and empty bed."

 

 

 

 

 

Pathway to wealth for the intrepid young: Buy income-producing real estate with borrowed money (and expert advice!), then let your tenants pay the debt down with depreciated dollars.

"The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," which is demanded of us-all when we testify in court, are elements rarely combined in political oratory, courtship and barroom banter.

Conservatives who don't like guns simply tend not to buy them; liberals who don't like guns tend to want them to be declared illegal. What say you?

A great American pastime: Stewing without doing (AKA awfulizing.)

Reminder to those who blindly follow others: In a sled-dog race, only the lead dog ever enjoys a change of scenery.

Steps toward plagiarism: 1) At the first usage of someone else's material, specify: "As (name the source) famously said......". 2) At second usage, change the attribution to: "As someone once said......".  Upon your third usage and forever thereafter, make it: "As I've always said....."

Procrastinator's action plan: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, four to get ready, five to get ready, six to get ready, etc.,  ad infinitum.

Only in America could a driver's license or other valid ID be required to cash a check or belly up to the bar, but NOT to vote.

Few things in life are more satisfying than when we oldsters see our children coping with teenagers of their own.

Among the things least useful to humanity (or hupersonity, if you're into political correctness) are your appendix, algebra, the Social Register, cockroaches and the Kardashian sisters.

Exhortation becomes extortion, and an offer becomes a rip-offer, when "just pay additional shipping and handling" more than doubles the cost of an internet-huckstered product and reduces the "guaranteed refund" to a relative pittance. Do the math before you take the bath!

Th-th-th-th-that's all, Folks!* (Until the next dump of overflow trivia.)

Pee-Ess to you young-uns: If you DON'T remember Bugs Bunny on "Looney Tunes," never mind!

Freelance wordworker Joe Klock, Sr. (joeklock@aol.com) winters in Key Largo and Coral Gables, Fla., and summers in New Hampshire. More of his "Klockwork" can be found at www.joeklock.com.