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Klockworks by Joe Klock Sr.

  Following is a randumb mishmash of titbits (look it up before you frown), designed to titillate you (for shame if you frowned again!) – or, at the very least, provide you with momentary diversion.

None of them are of Pulitzer quality, but if they evoke from you a small smile or perceptible nod, they have served the writer's purpose.

Here goes:

Possible Country/Western song title: "She Was Only A Homely Moonshiner, But I Loved Her Still!"

Definition of shotgun weddings: Matters of wife or death.

While it is true that the early bird gets the worm, it's the second mouse that gets to eat the cheese.

Most of the money in the world is tainted; that is to say, tain't yours and tain't mine neither.

A point to ponder: If the world didn't suck, as some say it does, there's a good chance that we might fall off it.

If you have been scared half to death more than once, be grateful because you have clearly beaten the odds.

Maybe the Good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes, cockroaches and many politicians come mighty close.

Red meat, contrary to the advice of some nutritionists, is not bad for you. However, gray meat with a furry coating more than probably is.

At all costs, avoid involvement in dangerous cults (practice safe sects!)

Never, EVER get into an argument with an idiot; people listening in may not be able to tell the difference between you and him/her.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Is a puzzlement: How do they train deer to cross the highway only at those black-on-yellow signs along the highway?

There's nothing in life much more annoying than that point in an intense argument when you first realize that you are dead wrong and losing badly.

These among indisputable truisms: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a rotten banana.

Query (only for the literate reader): Should a book on voyeurism be classified as a peeping tome?

One of the better ways to get back on your feet is to miss a few car payments.

A sober reflection for one and all: What if the hokey-pokey IS what it's all about?

It is a scientific fact that light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Confucius say, “Forbidden fruits create many jams.” (Well, maybe HE didn't, but somebody should have!)

More we cannot wish you than to wish your dreams become reality (except for that one when you find yourself buck naked in a public place.)

 

 

When engaged in one of those self-examination processes, remember that a clear conscience is frequently symptomatic of a flawed memory.

You can't have everything and, as a practical matter, even if you could, where would you put it all?

Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes; that way, you're 5,280 feet away from them and they're barefooted.  

For some people, marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

The only useful purpose of a child's middle name is so that he/she can tell that his/her mom is really PO'd.

Finally: Only in America do sick people have to walk the length of a drug store to fill their prescriptions, while healthy customers can buy cigarettes right up front.

All for now and, very likely, much less than you needed to make this a great day; hopeful, though, that it beat a sharp stick in the eye!  

Freelance wordworker Joe Klock, Sr. (joeklock@aol.com) winters in Key Largo and Coral Gables, Fla., and summers in New Hampshire. More of his "Klockwork" can be found at www.joeklock.com.